From The Office of the Emperor President of the United States of America. Merry Christmas Season Greetings to all my loyal subjects the people of the United States. As we close out the year, I would like to speak to you of all the wonderful things that I have done for you and all the wonderful presents I will be giving to you in the coming year.
First, to Pharaoh Morsi my friends in the Egypt. I hope you enjoy the gift of 20 brand new F-16 fighters as well as the almost $500 million dollars I sent you. I’m sure you will make good use of them in the coming year.
To the families of Ambassador Stevens, Sean Smith, Glen Doherty and Tyrone Woods. During this time of joy, please accept these life insurance checks that I have expedited for you. I do apologize for the amounts of the checks, but we are having some financial issues, thanks to those horrible Republicans. If they had their way, all you would have gotten was a lump of coal. Thankfully, my “elves” at the Environmental Protection Agency have begun ending that terrible tradition.
To my Mexican friends in the Sinaloa1 business group. I hope you enjoyed the gifts I sent you by way of your American Purchasing Representatives. Please do be careful with them. I do apologize for not being able to send more, but I am having a few problems with those Republicans in Congress again. They seem to think my sending you those gifts the first time was not a good idea. I can’t imagine why?
To my friends in the organized labor sector. First, let me thank you for all your help in rigging the presidential election my reelection campaign. I hope the gifts I’ve given you so far, (The Obamacare exemptions), will be received with great happiness and joy by your membership. In the coming year I do expect to be able to give you even more gifts, such as that card check2 policy you wanted, as well as a new Executive order doing away with those anti-worker “Right to Work” laws being rammed through by those Grinch like Republicans.
To Governor Mitt Romney. I would like to thank you for working so hard to blow to the election make the campaign so challenging3. Please accept my heartfelt thanks for all that you did.
To Warren Buffet. Please accept this gift of Tax Breaks. This should take care of the $1 billion+ dollars you are alleged to owe the treasury.
To Ben Bernanke. Thank you for firing up the printing presses. Come see me next year and we’ll go over your reappointment to the Federal Reserve.
To the residents of Staten Island and other areas hit by Hurricane Sandy. First I want to thank you for the great photo opportunities you provided me that helped my reelection campaign. I will continue my efforts in the new year to ignore you since you no longer matter to me help you get back on your feet.
And Finally, to Speaker of the House John Boehner. Thank you ever so much for being the complete and totally inept boob that you are. Please accept this gift certificate for a new spine and testicles from John Hopkins4. I’m sure you will have plenty of time in the new year for the procedures after your friends replace you.
And to the American People, I hope that you enjoy the gifts of free Obamaphones, Free birth control, high levels of unemployment, high energy costs, and the massive tax increases those Republicans will be handing you in the new year. I will continue
taking extensive and long vacations working to tax those rich people so that I may continue providing you gifts.
His Imperial Majesty
God Emperor of America President of the United States
- Sinaloa Cartel [↩]
- majority sign-up [↩]
- Romney didn’t want to run for president, son says [↩]
- Johns Hopkins Hospital [↩]