Washington, DC

DC is a town without a soul. It’s a city of ultra-liberal, button-down jack-asses who couldn’t be enticed to have a good time if they found out that they had collectively won the lottery and would never have to go back to that 70+ hour a week law firm job for the rest of their lives.

Everyone is so busy that they have to schedule times to get drunk on watered-down highballs and snort blow at some overpriced, hole-in-the-wall Adams Morgan toilet that charges a $20.00 cover and plays gay Israeli hip-hop / Australian didgeridoo fusion acid breakbeats or some shit like that so the losers can all suck each others’ cocks because of how ‘tolerant’ and ‘diverse’ they are. Most of the population is transient, which means that finding a decent bar or restaurant with familiar, non-pretentious patrons is impossible.

Housing is another subject. If you want to live in a habitable part of DC (really, the NW quadrant is the only palatable option) it’s stupidly expensive. Townhouses (err, sorry, ROWhouses, they’ve just got to be so different by calling them that) are the typical renting option, usually going for around $2500-$3500 per month. They are old, poorly insulated, and have been known to collapse spontaneously for no reason at all, yet somehow at ten times the price that they would garner somewhere in fly-over country they are all the rage among young, rich, coke-snorting, Israeli-hip-hop listening urbanites.

The GLBT community is strong in DC. But rather than just being cool with other people’s sexuality and accepting the fact that you or someone else is different, like on the West Coast, it HAS TO BE POLITICIZED. Being gay in DC is all about wearing a Bill Blass suit to a high-powered job at Lockheed Martin, with your nipple rings and a Prince Albert underneath, then bragging on the Internet about all the male interns you fellated that summer in your office.

Which reminds me: everyone votes Democrat. In DC, there is a preponderance of people who shun the notion of self-sufficiency in favor of relying on maximum guidance and coordination from their government. If it moves, tax it and regulate it. Where are most of the jobs to be found? The military, the civil service, broke-dick NGOs, feel-good public interest groups, and government contractors. Almost none of these organizations has serving a customer or fulfilling a need as its primary, bottom-line goal. Instead it’s about keeping a status quo in place, letting people climb up at regular intervals, keep them (looking busy), and whining to Congress about how they need more appropriations so they can keep squandering taxpayer money and never have to work in a job that values actual results as intrinsic to keeping one’s position ever again.

Bottom line: if you have no sense of individuality, no love of freedom, and you think that the federal government is a swell way to get things done in a correct and efficient manner, by all means, live in DC. If not, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE, because life here will quickly sap your soul just like life in any other police state.

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