My meaningless existence

I am utterly pissed off at and tired of the meaninglessness of it all. I'm a home health aide who gives, gives gives and when I'm dead tired and dead broke, I give some more... none of my efforts are going to repair these people's broken bodies or put them back where they were before.

I go to work, I come home, I slip into a hot tub, pour me a cold one, change the catbox, play a few video games, pay my rent, bills, etc... then I do it all over again the next day/month/week. I'm trapped into a routine and mired into a rut. This also pisses me off.

I've looked into all kinds of different religions that might give my life meaning and while Catholicism seems to be the most "head-screwed-on-straight" faith its also the hardest to keep following. I haven't followed it in three years. I've lost my direction... I'm just plain lost... how angry this makes me! I'm so confused.

Words are cheap. Talk is cheap. My boyfriend tells me he loves me, he never wants me to leave, and one day we will be married -- yet I know in my heart he still loves his ex and wants to be with her. Nice of him, huh.

There is no joy in my life, no lasting pleasure... just immensely tired of it all.

I would just like my life to MEAN something, and not just have other people think it means something..... I want it to actually be meaningful... instead of the meaningless waste of time it is now. Yes, I've treated thirty years as if it was urine, and pissed them away so now they are irretrievably spinning down that black void we call the past. I feel my life is such a waste of time that I could cry.

My wasted life. Hurry up and get it over with please. I'm so sick of this shit I could scream.

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