Plants

Ligustrum

What is not to hate about ligustrum? It grows like the fucking weed it is, the flowers smell like an over-perfumed French whorehouse, it’s fucking everywhere in Texas suburbs, and worst of all, I’M ALLERGIC AS SHIT to this plant. I take that back---the worst thing about ligustrum is why people plant it practically fucking everywhere, ruining spring and fall in Texas. It all starts with a perfectly wonderful, beautiful, and in the case of north Dallas, all too rare piece of land with old trees. Some developer buys it for some starter mansions (after all, yuppies can’t live in [gasp] older houses. They’d lose their little Yuppie licenses), the whole scrap of forest is knocked down, plowed up, and the shit is pounded out of it until it lies flatter than Cher’s chest. When the little pseudo-colonial/Tudor/Tuscany mishmash cookie-cutter houses are finally built on streets named for the trees that used to be there, the builders suddenly realize that houses without trees in front don’t sell (what a fucking concept). So they bring in this ligustrum shit because it grows quickly. Viola! Every spring you get to gag from the reek of these plants, and as summer comes, you get to sweep them up from where the remnants of the flowers shit on the sidewalk, and every fall, you get to do it all again! One fine day , I will go through my city with a gas mask, a bajillion paper bags, and some pruning shears, cut those fucking flowers off every tree and bush in the city, and have me a goddamn BONFIRE!! So if one night you see a cackling woman in the middle of a hot Texas spring covered head to toe, wearing a gas mask, and cackling around a bonfire that smells oddly like the Devil's douche bag, please try to understand

Sweet Gum Trees 2

For anyone who doesn't know what a Sweet Gum Tree is: It's a very tall, annoying tree that sheds leaves and sheds spiky brown seed pods that look like mini cannon balls and are a bit smaller than a golf ball. WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE PLANT ONE OF THESE WHERE PEOPLE WALK?

I have no problem with the tree itself. I am sure it evolved its protective spiky balls for a reason. In a forest away from PEOPLE I am sure they are beautiful. In states where it's SUPPOSED to grow it does have pretty orange leaves in the fall. BUT IN FUCKING CALIFORNIA THEY JUST TURN BROWN, LOOK BARREN AND SHITTY HALF THE YEAR AND SHED STUPID SPIKY BROWN BALLS EVERYWHERE!

These spiky balls are the WORST! They are a tripping hazard, they get stuck in my dog's fur, they fall on people's heads, lawns and cars and THEY ARE FUCKING UGLY! Why don't people THINK before they plant shit like this? They could have easily planted some nice trees that don't make a mess and are not a danger to people!

I swear I will NEVER plant one of these trees as long as I live! They grow HUGE and every year they shed MORE AND MORE stupid fucking spike-balls! I am fucking SICK of tripping on them at night, cleaning them up and removing them from my dog's fur. My apartment driveway has about a dozen of these trees. I wish I could just go out there with a chainsaw and CHOP THE FUCKING THINGS DOWN!