I found this in my email. I have no idea where it came from or who wrote it. I would love to give this the proper attribution. So we’re offering a few random thoughts of the day:<\/p>\n
I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.<\/p>\n
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
\nabout is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
\nstory that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
\nyou’re wrong.<\/p>\n
I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to
\nhave fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks
\nwhen they’ve invented the lighter?<\/p>\n
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re
\ngoing in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
\ngoing?
\nBut instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from
\nwhich you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
\nphone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that
\nno one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching
\ndirections on the sidewalk.<\/p>\n
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was
\nyounger.<\/p>\n
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
\nrecently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
\nending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.<\/p>\n
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know”
\nfeature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not
\nto be friends with?<\/p>\n
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t
\nwork? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
\nfix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how
\nto fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We
\njust figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.<\/p>\n
There is a great need for sarcasm font.<\/p>\n
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
\nsuddenly realize I had no idea what the f * ck was going on when I first
\nsaw it.<\/p>\n
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
\nstressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes
\nshiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the
\nright parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
\nmillisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really,
\nreally gets it.<\/p>\n
The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
\nhighway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
\ndecided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk
\nover there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that,
\nBoth go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to
\nguide myself past and that’s is when I realized, yup, that’s a mirror I
\njust tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even
\ncats can recognize their own image.<\/p>\n
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?<\/p>\n
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
\ntake 2 trips to bring my groceries in.<\/p>\n
I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your
\ncomputer history if you die.<\/p>\n
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish
\na text.<\/p>\n
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
\nspread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.<\/p>\n
Was learning cursive really necessary?<\/p>\n
Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to
\nsay”.<\/p>\n
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.<\/p>\n
My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
\nSeeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about
\nthe name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.<\/p>\n
Whenever someone says, “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I
\nhear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.<\/p>\n
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and
\nsmile because you still didn’t hear what they said?<\/p>\n
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
\nprevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!<\/p>\n
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples,
\nI will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I
\nhad to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as
\nin…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”<\/p>\n
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
\nother?<\/p>\n
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
\ninstinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.<\/p>\n
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
\nknow how to get out of my neighborhood.<\/p>\n
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
\nperson died.<\/p>\n
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
\nshower first and THEN turn on the water.<\/p>\n
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
\nand you can wear them forever.<\/p>\n
Bad decisions make good stories<\/p>\n
Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile
\nis public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red
\nRyder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!<\/p>\n
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
\nprobably just be completely invisible.<\/p>\n
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
\naround and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?
\nLike I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a
\nproblem….<\/p>\n
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
\nwhen you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive
\nfor the rest of the day.<\/p>\n
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want
\nto have to restart my collection.<\/p>\n
There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going
\nto die after leaning your chair back a little too far.<\/p>\n
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
\nI want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I
\ndid not make any changes to.<\/p>\n
“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.<\/p>\n
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
\nTV.
\nThere’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I
\nkeep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s
\nonly a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we
\nstill be friends after this?’<\/p>\n
While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
\nand USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when
\nChinese athletes don?t win, they are executed.<\/p>\n
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!),
\nbut when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
\nvoicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run
\naway?<\/p>\n
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
\nanyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.<\/p>\n
When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t
\nalready told me but that I have learned from some light internet
\nstalking.<\/p>\n
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then
\nI like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.<\/p>\n
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
\nfor pedophiles…<\/p>\n
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
\nno matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
\nknow what time it is.<\/p>\n
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.<\/p>\n
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
\nanswer when they call.<\/p>\n
I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I
\nfind out that I\u2019m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact
\nthat I was not aware of my condition in college.<\/p>\n
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to
\nwith it.<\/p>\n
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
\nin a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but
\nI’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet
\naway, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…<\/p>\n
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would
\nhappen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?<\/p>\n
It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
\nlink takes me to a video instead of text.<\/p>\n
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
\ndrive behind obeys the speed limit.<\/p>\n
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.<\/p>\n
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
\nSaturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.<\/p>\n
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
\nthey had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at
\nthe restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and
\nthen estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require
\nsuch a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing
\nlike being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.<\/p>\n
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
\nabout is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
\nstory that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.<\/p>\n
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
\nyou’re wrong.<\/p>\n
I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to
\nhave fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks
\nwhen they’ve invented the lighter?<\/p>\n
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re
\ngoing in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
\ngoing?
\nBut instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from
\nwhich you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
\nphone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that
\nno one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching
\ndirections on the sidewalk.<\/p>\n
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was
\nyounger.<\/p>\n
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
\nrecently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
\nending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.<\/p>\n
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know”
\nfeature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not
\nto be friends with?<\/p>\n
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t There is a great need for sarcasm font.<\/p>\n Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?<\/p>\n I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the Was learning cursive really necessary?<\/p>\n Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.<\/p>\n My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Whenever someone says, “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, Bad decisions make good stories<\/p>\n Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.<\/p>\n I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for <\/span>China I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.<\/p>\n I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they I think the freezer deserves a light as well.<\/p>\n I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw <\/span><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I found this in my email. I have no idea where it came from or who wrote it. I would love to give this the proper attribution. So we’re offering a few random thoughts of the day: Continue reading
\nwork? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
\nfix the problem. Every kid in <\/span>America <\/span>did that, but how did we all know how
\nto fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We
\njust figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.<\/p>\n
\nsuddenly realize I had no idea what the f * ck was going on when I first
\nsaw it.<\/p>\n
\nstressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes
\nshiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the
\nright parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
\nmillisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really,
\nreally gets it.<\/p>\n
\nhighway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
\ndecided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk
\nover there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that,
\nBoth go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to
\nguide myself past and that’s is when I realized, yup, that’s a mirror I
\njust tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even
\ncats can recognize their own image.<\/p>\n
\ntake 2 trips to bring my groceries in.<\/p>\n
\ncomputer history if you die.<\/p>\n
\na text.<\/p>\n
\nspread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.<\/p>\n
\nsay”.<\/p>\n
\nSeeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about
\nthe name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.<\/p>\n
\nhear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.<\/p>\n
\nsmile because you still didn’t hear what they said?<\/p>\n
\nprevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!<\/p>\n
\nI will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I
\nhad to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as
\nin…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”<\/p>\n
\nother?<\/p>\n
\ninstinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.<\/p>\n
\nknow how to get out of my neighborhood.<\/p>\n
\nperson died.<\/p>\n
\nshower first and THEN turn on the water.<\/p>\n
\nand you can wear them forever.<\/p>\n
\nis public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red
\nRyder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!<\/p>\n
\nprobably just be completely invisible.<\/p>\n
\naround and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?
\nLike I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a
\nproblem….<\/p>\n
\nwhen you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive
\nfor the rest of the day.<\/p>\n
\nto have to restart my collection.<\/p>\n
\nto die after leaning your chair back a little too far.<\/p>\n
\nI want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I
\ndid not make any changes to.<\/p>\n
\nTV.
\nThere’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I
\nkeep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s
\nonly a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we
\nstill be friends after this?’<\/p>\n
\nand <\/span>USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when
\nChinese athletes don?t win, they are executed.<\/p>\n
\nbut when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
\nvoicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run
\naway?<\/p>\n
\nanyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.<\/p>\n
\nalready told me but that I have learned from some light internet
\nstalking.<\/p>\n
\nI like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.<\/p>\n
\nfor pedophiles…<\/p>\n
\nno matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.<\/p>\n
\nknow what time it is.<\/p>\n
\nanswer when they call.<\/p>\n
\nfind out that I\u2019<\/span><\/span>m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact
\nthat I was not aware of my condition in college.<\/p>\n
\nwith it.<\/p>\n
\nin a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but
\nI’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet
\naway, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…<\/p>\n
\nhappen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?<\/p>\n
\nlink takes me to a video instead of text.<\/p>\n
\ndrive behind obeys the speed limit.<\/p>\n
\nSaturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.<\/p>\n
\nthey had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at
\nthe restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and
\nthen estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require
\nsuch a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing
\nlike being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.<\/p>\n