Switzerland prepares for French invasion

Good day all. I just read an interesting story in the Telegraph on how the Swiss military is preparing a war game. The scenario? An invasion by the French.

No, I am not joking. According to the Telegraph, the Swiss are gaming out a possible scenario of the French invading to loot the banks. Here are the amusing details.

Hordes of bankrupt French invade Switzerland to get their hands on their “stolen” money — such is the imaginary scenario cooked up by the Swiss military in simulations revealed over the weekend.

Carried out in August, the apparently outlandish army exercise was based on the premise of an attack by a financially stricken France split into warring regions, according to Matin Dimanche, the Lausanne-based daily. One of these, “Saônia,” corresponding to the existing Jura region, was preparing attacks on Switzerland to retrieve money it had apparently swiped from France.

Now I know the French are some of the most self centered, spoiled people on earth. I can see how they would think that Switzerland owes them. Of course, all that money in those vaults was not taken at gunpoint by the Swiss, rather it was deposited by French citizens who were being held up, at gunpoint, by the French government. So they hid their money in a nice, safe bank in Switzerland and thumbed their Gallic, wine snorting noses at the French tax collectors. Of Course the Swiss didn’t use France as the actual aggressor, that would be politically incorrect, so they created one, in this case the region known as “Saônia.”

I would hazard a guess that the Swiss probably tried to create some sort of actual challenge. After all, the French haven’t faced a modern, technologically advanced military since, oh, 1940? That didn’t work to well for them. Prior to that, it was 1914 and again, other then killing off a good chunk of the male population of France, (17-30 I believe), they didn’t do much then either. In fact, the French military hasn’t invaded anyone with the ability to punch back since Napoleon Bonaparte, and he was Corsican.

So, just what might the “Invasion” of Switzerland have looked like? First, the French would need to draw all their equipment, polish it, and prepare it for dropping in all conditions. Included in this will be a careful inspection of the boots worn by the French Forces. These boots are specifically designed for running away. Then a quick trip to the dry cleaners to have their flags washed and bleached a nice bright white and carefully folded for quick waving. Then there will be refresher courses in the official Swiss languages. Since the Swiss use French, the troops will only need to work with German, Italian and Rumantsch. The last will be the most difficult to learn I suspect, but I have no doubt that the Swiss will get the gist of “I Surrender!” “Don’t Shoot!”

Prior to the invasion, the French forces will be put on parade and will march up and down the border with Switzerland wearing their best uniforms. This will be followed by a 3 hour lunch. On completion of lunch, the French troops will then go on a 30 day vacation, since this was scheduled to take place in August. As we all know, the French generally take the entire month of August off. Once the French forces have returned from their vacation, they will need to take a two week holiday to rest up and recover from their vacation. Then there will be several weeks of physical exercise, mostly consisting of first throwing their arms in the air, then clasping their hands behind their heads and dropping to their knees. Finally, sometime around November, they will proceed to march into Switzerland.

Now the Swiss response to this invasion will probably require the immediate mobilization of one troop from the Swiss Beaver Scouts ((Beavers in Scouting)) who will offer the French forces milk and cookies as they escort them into captivity.

So much for the possibility of the French invading Switzerland.

Thatisall

~The Angry Webmaster~

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