Apple’s Next Big Announcement

Good day all, this is the Angry Systems Administrator. I’m here to bring you the latest news on the latest technology. In this case, Apple is making a major announcement for it’s “Next Big Thing!” Normally, Anger Central would live blog something like this, but since no one has used that feature in the Blog, I turned it off. So bear with me as I describe what I’m seeing. It will be delayed.

Now, I am not an Apple fanboy. To be honest, I was turned off of Apple products quite some time ago. Still, there are an awful lot of people who like Apple product including the wonderful wife of the Angry Webmaster, Mrs. Webmaster. She is interested in replacing her Iphone with a new model and is hopeful that the announcement will say that the new model will have a larger screen. (I keep telling her she would be better off with an Android, but she likes her “Iphong.” (So named by me since she has it set to function in Chinese)

So, what is being announced today? Well, I tried to follow the link from Fox News and received the typical Apple “Access Denied” message. I’ll just have to go with what I can find out on the Internet. Well what do you know? If I use Safari, I can watch the event! Pity I don’t use Safari. I wonder if they ever fixed those gaping security holes in it? Oh well, there is the live love blog they are running. So, here’s what they’re talking about.

Yes, they have announced the Iphone 6. It looks like they will have two versions. One with a 4.7 inch display and another model called the Iphone 6 Plus which will have a 5.5 inch screen. Hmm, Plus? Really? Sounds like something for fat people.

Right now they are bragging about their camera. It has all sorts of features and goodies. Well, here’s something that will interest President Obama. It will have the ability to do “Burst Selfies!” You can take 10 quick pictures and then choose the one you like best. I’ll let the Angry Webmaster comment on how the narcissist in chief will chose the best one. Hmm, I wonder if it can make an actual telephone call?

Well, they announced the price. $199 for the Iphone 6 and $299 for the Iphone 6 Fat with a two year contract. These are the low end models of course. If you want the top of the line, and what Apple Fanboy doesn’t, you’re shelling out $500 for the one with 128MB of RAM. And they have announced it will be available in the United States on September 19^th. Ok ladies and gentlemen, take that as a warning because anyplace with an Apple store is going to have mile long lines forming in the next 20 minutes with Apple Sheep waiting to be the first to get one of these things.

Wow! Now they are talking about a new and improved way to separate Apple users from their money. They have announced Apple Pay. Funny, considering how much they charge for their overpriced junk, I thought this had been around for a few decades? Apple is really talking up this new feature, hyping how secure it is. For instance, there was this remark on the Live Love Blog:

“We have security integrated throughout both hardware and software in a way only Apple can.”

Oh I’m sure it’s very secure, just like their ICloud system which I hear Jennifer Lawrence won’t be endorsing anytime soon. Apple security, until recently, was mostly concerned with Apple’s patents and Apple’s slave workers, I mean developers who wanted to go to another company. They didn’t even have a virus scanner until 10 years or so ago when someone decided it was time to teach Jobs a lesson. Oh well, what’s next?

Well surprising no one, Apple has invented the Watch! Interestingly, they don’t seem to be calling it an Iwatch. Could they have finally figured out that calling every single product other then their computers “I something” is getting a little old? In any case, it looks like a wristwatch worn by Dick Tracy. They are, of course, bragging about how pretty and shiny it is. Big Whoop. I haven’t worn a watch in <Number of years deleted> for a simple reason. My cellphone gives better time and I always have it with me.

Ok, this is a little frightening. Apple is also posting tweets from their celebrity fan base. Someone named Jon Chu just tweeted:

Drooling over Apple Watch!!!!!!!! I want to eat it!!!!!!

Umm, did Apple announce that these things are water, or in your case drool and tooth proof? These Apple zombies really do worry me. Back to the description, Apple is saying it’s made of the finest materials. What they aren’t saying is those materials were probably supplied by the lowest bidders. Now, according to the Apple Live Love blog the audience is giving a standing ovation. I have no idea why. They announced a new phone that’s a bit larger and has some new tech in it, a new way to separate you from your money and a new watch. I wonder if Apple will try to copyright and trademark the word “Watch” now?

Oh joy, now they are touting the new “Multiple Interfaces.” This thing has a touch screen. Normally I would make a joke about people with fat fingers, but after Apple Fans throw down their life savings for all these things, along with the new accessories you will need to buy, very few of them will have any money left over for food. Fat anything won’t be a problem for most of them. Back to the interface, I was right. You can send messages from your watch! I wonder what the rights holder to Dick Tracy might have to say about this “Two-Way Wrist Computer?”

Oh this is amusing! You can also send someone your heartbeat. This might prove useful as your mugger beats you to death for your new Iphone and other Apple toys. You could set it to automatically contact the police with the message “Help! I’ve just been murdered!” That would be something that all members of the “Occupy Wall Street” movement could use, considering all the crime that took place during their little combination orgy, bong party and protest movement.

I’ve been reading the Apple Fanboy twerks tweets. I have to wonder, are these paid shills or are they really that hard up for a real life? I mean these remarks are ridiculous. Over the top doesn’t cover it. And, they have finally announced how much this thing is going to cost. It will “Start” at $349 dollars. Start? Well, after the Apple Fans have blown the rent money and the food budget on the Apple computers and Iphones, I guess that means selling a kidney. Of course some of these drones are so addicted to all things Apple, they just might be willing to go without a liver. Hey! They can test that new heartbeat tracking feature in that watch! It can send out a notice that they have just sold their heart to pay for all this junk! Well, at least they can listen to U2 as everything goes black for them.

Ok, I don’t know, (or care), if Apple has anything else to announce. In case you haven’t guessed by now, I really don’t like Apple products. I consider them to be overpriced and really not that good. Apple’s always had a tendency to tell people what they are going to like. Their systems have never made it into the Enterprise environment due to their costs. Software developers have generally considered Apple products to be second tier to Microsoft Windows. (This may be changing) Apple’s always been good with graphics and media, but even that has been pretty much matched by Windows. I’ll stick to my less expensive Windows systems and my android phones.

Thank you

~The Angry Systems Administrator~

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