Review: World War Z

Good day all. Today I’m going to review the new Brad Pitt flop, World War Z. This is going to be a rather snarky review, and there will be spoilers. (Not that it really matters of course)

I went to this movie with the Angry Brother In-law and a number of his coworkers. (The place of business shall remain anonymous) The original plan was to go to Chunky’s, but that changed and everyone decided to go to the newly renovated AMC theater in Tyngsboro, MA. This caused a few issues with some of the coworkers since they were carrying guns (All correctly permitted under new Hampshire law), and Massachusetts is a state that only allows police and criminals to go armed. The vitriol hurled at the People’s Democratic Republic of Taxachusetts in the email chain would have made an NSA analyst blush.

So these people chose not to go. The Angry Brother In-Law, his neighbor, The BBQ King of the Universe and I arrived at Smokey Bones for dinner with the others. As we sat down at the bar, the Angry Brother In-Law got a call. Change of plans. It’s Chunkys after all. It seems the AMC theater needs a reservation for a group this large and nothing was available. We pack up and head to Chunkys and meet everyone there. We go in, get booze and food and sit back to watch the movie.

Now, if you read Max Brooks book, don’t bother comparing the movie to it. Brooks got a big check with the understanding he might not like the results. Since it was a big check, Brooks was happy with the results. Now, if you recall, the movie was due out last year but was pulled back for some reworking. Apparently, they reworked most of the movie. This should be you first hint of a problem.

The basic plot for the book has a writer going around the world after the zombies have been pretty much eradicated. He writing down people’s recollection of the war. The movie is a bit different. It takes place at the start of the war and Pitt’s character is a retired UN investigator. (What the hell is it with Hollywood and the UN? Oh wait. Why am I bothering to ask a silly question) Pitt and his family are in the car stuck in traffic in downtown Philadelphia when they notice odd things happening. A cop on a motorcycle races past and tears the mirror off Pitt’s car. He gets out to look around and get the mirror. As he gets back in another cop comes by and tells him to stay in his car. Then he gets crushed by a garbage truck. Pitt takes off after the truck which is battering it’s way through the traffic. And here is one of the first issues I have. A garbage truck crashing through dozens of cars? I don’t think so. A few maybe, but that truck is going to destroy the cab and engine.

Now the Zombies appear and the Pitts start running for their lives and steal a camper that just happens to be there and are able to drive clear of Philly. Yeah, right. I don’t think so Tim! Anyway. This is your typical zombie movie. There’s lots of running, panicking, biting and shooting. I’m not going to talk much about that as I am about the utterly idiotic and totally unnecessary flaws in this film.

First Pitt’s character gets in touch with his old boss from the UN. He and his family are SAVED! and flown to a US Navy ship about 100 miles offshore. Here is my first quibble. Why so far off shore? Why not 30 miles? You can save fuel for the aircraft that way. Once aboard, Pitt is told he will be part of a team to find the source of the zombie infection. He doesn’t want to go and leave his family. The commander says no problem. You can spend all the time you want with your family back on the mainland. Pitt agrees even though his wife is annoyed with him. Hello? You and your kids will be safe on a ship AT SEA, away from the zombies. Dumb idiot.

So the plan is to go to Korea where they have a report that something odd happened a couple of weeks earlier. Now we have my hair pulling “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING?!?! DIDN’T YOU TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT FLIGHT OPS FROM A CARRIER?” moment. The plan is to fly from the carrier in a four engined C-130 to Korea. Now it is impossible to launch a C-130 Hercules transport from a carrier. It’s to damned big, it requires a fairly long runway and if you try to use the catapults, you will fire the front of the plane right into the ocean. It’s not designed for it.

And this is why they used CGI. And here we have another issue. The carrier isn’t moving, and the plane with US NAVY slathered all over it isn’t a C-130. It’s a Russian Antonov AN-12. Then there is the small matter of distance. While a jumbo jet can fly that far, a C-130 or an AN-12 flat out doesn’t have the range. ARRRGGGGHHH!!!

Ok. They fly their magic plane running on Magic airplane pixie fuel which quadruples the range. The land in Korea in the rain at night. Do they wait until it’s light out so that can see more then 20 feet? Hell NO! Here come the zombies for a good long CHOMP. Oh look! There are survivors on the base and they shoot the zombies.

Then there is the inevitable flashbacks about what happened and the information that Israel knew something was happening and was able to secure their borders, so it’s off to Israel in the same plane! Of course, they need to refuel from a tanker filled with more Magic Airplane Pixie Fuel and the slightest sound will cause the zombies to arrive as if the dinner bell has been rung. So, it would make sense to wait until morning so you can see them coming and set up a good defense, right? Yup, so that is exactly what they don’t do. As expected, everyone but Pitt and one pilot get killed and or turned into zombies, but since Pitt has made a dramatic getaway, next stop, Ben Gurion airport.

Once in Israel, Pitt talks to the head of Mossad to find out how they knew something was going to happen. Long story condensed, everyone thought it was nothing, but a rule that one person must always disagree and work from the premise that yes, the Arabs will invade and yes, there are zombies in India. So the Israelis built a 100 foot wall around the country.

And here we have quibble number 45. There are no guard towers! They have a few helicopters flying around, but other then the wall itself, not apparent defenses. Hello? Are you mental? Suddenly, all the survivors break into song and here come the zombies, climbing over each other to get over the wall. The helicopters start shooting at them of course, but all they have are belt fed machineguns. Doesn’t the Israeli Defense Force have any Dillon ((Dillon Aero)) Miniguns? When dealing with zombies massed like that and climbing the walls, you want something that hoses them off and that is exactly what a Dillon does at around 3-4000 rounds per minute.

So the zombies come over the wall and Israel is overrun. Pitt is being escorted to his plane by a group of very hot looking female IDF soldiers. They are attacked and one of the women is bitten on the hand. Pitt chops her hand off, then they wait a minute to see if she will turn. She doesn’t and off to the airport. Pitt’s pilot decides that the best place to be is anywhere else, takes off and leaves him. Pitt and the remaining soldiers stop a Russian airliner that is about to take off, (Amazing what a couple of M16’s and a couple of Tavors ((Tavor TAR-21)) aimed at a cockpit can accomplish), and Pitt and the injured soldier climb on board. (Why the others didn’t is unknown)

Off they go and Pitt reaches his wife on his magic Satphone. (The kind that works indoors and iside steel hulled ships) He talks to his boss and asks where the nearest WHO lab is. He thinks he found something. (Zombies don’t like sick people apparently) He convinces the pilots to fly to England. Then came a bathroom break. (Me. The beer had to go somewhere) When I got back a zombie had shown up on the plane. (Not the IDF soldier) The soldier empties her sidearm into the zombies and Pitt decides to go all in. He pulls a grenade off the soldiers belt and throws it into the oncoming mass of zombies. As expected, the grenade goes off, a hole the size of a barn door is blown in the side of the plane, the zombies are sucked out, then they crash. (Grenades in a plane tend to have that effect)

Low and behold, the only survivors are Pitt and the injured IDF woman. Pit has a chunk of plane through him, but no matter, He must walk miles to the lab. Of course, a would like that is pretty much fatal unless you have a fully equipped and staffed trauma center 20 feet away, but hey! He’s the hero! He can’t die! (Damn it!)

More manure in the lab where the scientists start acting like goons. Pitt gets in tough with the bossman who informs him that his family has been voted off the island, in this case, the ship. They thought he was dead so no reason to keep the wife and kiddies around. Pitt tells the scientists his theory and wants a disease that is fatal unless treated. No problem. Plenty of that in B-wing. Just one small problem. It’s full of zombies.

Oh darn. Well, no matter, the movie must go on! In goes Pitt, the IDF soldier and the head of the lab. They sneak around avoiding the zombies, and as expected, make noise. The IDF woman doesn’t help matters by opening fire with her sidearm. Next comes the running, the screaming and the terror. Pitt separates from the other two and manages to get to the lab with the various diseases. Of course, a zombie arrives and Pitt locks himself in repository. What to do, what to do. Yes, you guess correctly. He picked one of the vials at random and shot up. Once the infection kicks in, he simply strolls back with the remaining vials. The world is SAVED! Pitt’s family is SAVED! *barf*

The end of the movie was obviously set up for the sequel that isn’t going to happen. As expected, the movie is not doing well, which isn’t surprising since they basically reshot at least a third of it do to really bad reviews. To be honest, I think the Resident Evil films were better. (And there’s a massive slam against World War Z)

Besides the issues I listed, they utterly missed the whole premise of the book. Granted, there really isn’t any way to put that book on the big screen, but as a cable mini-series? It would have worked perfectly. Then there was the level of gore shown. There wasn’t any. They did things to hide the normal zombie effects in order to get their PG-13 rating. In fact, the zombies weren’t even eating their victims. They just wanted the zombie infection to spread, so it was bite and move on. Please, zombies eat people and they don’t wait for the conversion to Soylent Green ((Soylent Green is PEOPLE!)).

This movie was ok. I wouldn’t bother paying to see it if I were you, at least not full price. It’s a 2 out of 5 stars in my book and isn’t making it on to my “Buy the DVD” list. Instead, I would by the ZK-1 instead, just in case real zombies show up.

Thatisall

~The Angry Webmaster~

(1 votes, average: 1.00 out of 5)

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